How I became an Atheist: Jonathan Morales

Our club will be posting personal stories of how we each came to repudiate belief in God, so stay posted for more stories!

"Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty, and wisdom will come to you that way."- Christopher Hitchens (1949-2011)

How exactly does one become an atheist? What leads to the rejection of belief in God? How does one cope with the idea of leaving behind a tight-knit religious community? These thoughts were never really things that crossed my mind when I was 16 years old; I identified as a Roman Catholic, but merely because of my circumstances. Coming from a community of Mexican-Americans, Catholicism is so deeply ingrained into my culture that being anything but a Catholic is almost akin to being anything but a Christian in the Deep South.

I was born and raised a Catholic, baptized and whatnot, but religion never really played an integral part of my life. My mother, herself a Catholic, never took it upon herself to read me Bible stories or tell me that certain thing were wrong because God said so. I was taught how to pray and other formalities, but as a youngster, I only really did this because I thought mamá knew what was best for me. Was it necessarily enforced on me? Not particularly. My mother never went out of her way to enforce beliefs on me, so religion never became a topic of discussion. We never really did attend church either, with the exception of a few weddings and the occasional quinceañera, but for the most part, we were not a church going family.

So when exactly did I begin to question my faith? During the summer before my junior year, I began to have doubts surrounding my Catholicism. This was in response to the feelings of confusion I felt when I went with a friend of mine and his mother for Ash Wednesday as part of Lent. The feeling of puzzlement while standing in church with an ash cross on my forehead left me with one question: why? Why was this necessary to please God? Following Lent, I began to think long and hard about my faith. The dormant years of my adherence to Catholicism without question were over and in ushered a period of questioning. I’ll probably end up still being a Catholic anyways, I thought to myself throughout this period. I wasn’t particularly afraid of having my beliefs challenged, so I didn’t feel afraid to dive deep into questions that might’ve made others uncomfortable.

Over the summer before my junior year, I trekked through an intellectual landscape to find answers to my questions. This mainly took form in the act of setting aside time to think critically about God. One of the most memorable moments during that summer was when I stumbled upon a debate about the existence of God from a British television show called The Big Questions. After watching the debate, I felt interested, but my mind yearned for more answers. The pragmatism of this new position I had never heard of, atheism, looked appealing to me. I ended up spending a lot of time on YouTube watching multiple debates surrounding the existence of God, but as the summer drew to a close, I didn’t really know if I would embrace atheism over Catholicism.

The fateful day where I finally self-identified as an atheist came on September 24^th 2012 while I was sitting in my Advanced Placement Biology classroom. The textbook lie open in front of me, on a page depicting the Miller-Urey experiment. That moment finally hit the nail on the head for me; the experiment was so compelling that I remember looking up from the page and thinking to myself, Huh, I guess God wasn’t needed for life to begin. From that day on, I repudiated my ties to Catholicism and instead took up the label atheist. I’ve never looked back since then.

So what does life look for me now? Since I no longer believe in God, where do I stand in terms of death and my place in the world? Although I do miss the concept of eternal existence after I die, I’ve taken solace in knowing that my life now is great. Moreover, I feel that this is my only life to live, and consequently, this is the only chance I have at maximizing happiness for myself and for others I love. The world is not senseless and meaningless through the lens of atheism, but rather, it has become even more meaningful given the finitude of my existence as a living being. So is a godless life worth living? Absolutely, and I wouldn’t trade it for any dogmas anytime soon. 

On Death and Mortality

Having recently lost my dog, the past few days have consisted mostly of crying, solitude, and a weak attempt at trying to get work done (to no effect unfortunately). Yesterday night was extremely difficult; insomnia hung over me and I couldn't muster up the strength to close my eyes since they burned. In the wee hours of the morning, I stepped outside onto the balcony to escape the confinement of my dorm room and I sat there for a good hour or so, trying to collect my thoughts on what had happened. The following is more or less a summarization of what I feel at the present moment.

I gazed on the stars and shivered and wondered if I’d ever see my dog again. Being an atheist almost always commits one to the thought that the afterlife is merely human invention meant to cope with bereavement, so reconciling this thought with my disbelief is quite a struggle. I really want to believe that somewhere, my dog is happily frolicking around like he used to, playing with the other dogs that have passed away, and awaiting my arrival into the afterlife with him. I want this to be true, but I can’t help but feel this is only wishful thinking on my part. Will I see my dog again? I don’t think so. Is this unacceptable? Yes, but reality is what it is. However, I take solace in knowing that for the decade that I owned my dog, I gave him the best life possible and I gave him my heart and soul, and I’d like to think that he did too. His finite existence with me was certainly rewarding and I think this only makes it so much more meaningful that most of his life was spent in company of a loving family who adored him. I can only hope that in his last moments, he was truly at peace and tranquil in his mind and heart, despite the fact that he’d never wake up again. I also take solace in knowing that the state of non-existence my dog currently dwells in is the one we’re all headed towards. Our lives, much like his, are finite and the day we cease to exist is the day we enter the realm of nothingness that more than likely follows. Depressing? I don’t think so. Our finite existence only magnifies that meaning of our lives we chose to espouse, and I think that having my dog’s finite existence within my own finite existence makes it so much more meaningful and significant. The day I enter the nothingness after my own passing is the day I join my dog forever in the state of non-existence, where we’ll never be apart. That being said, do I want to join him right now? No. I still have a finite existence to live out, as granted to me by Nature, and I intend on using that time wisely to bring meaning to other’s lives much like they do for me. The times are rough right now for me, but having the time to think and be alone for the past few days has been good to say the least. I can only hope that I can recover from this in due time.

Lastly, I want to say thank you to the individuals in my life, outside of this university and in this university, who lent support and a shoulder to cry on when my emotions decided to erupt. I don’t care about too many things and I don’t show emotion very regularly, but I’m truly thankful to have helpful and supportive people in my life. So, if you happen to be reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I sincerely mean it.